Dear Metabolism... We Need to Talk! (Not So Wordless Wednesday)


Dear Metabolism,


We need to talk.

First of all...


Second... This is not going to work any more...


Third...

As you know I have been talking trash about you to anyone who would listen. I mean, how could it not be your fault that I am still a chub-chub mess? I am 35, I don’t eat very much, I am still nursing the man-child and go for walks almost daily!  I am doing my part, so clearly you are not doing yours… or so I thought...

Here is the deal; I have been so frustrated over your lack of enthusiasm for my weight loss that I went to see Dr. Google to find out how to get your ass in gear.  Dr. Google, ever ready to point me in the direction of help, sent me to the Mayoclinic.com to learn all about you and how you were linked to my fat ass. 

After reading through the articles it turns out that… well… it turns out... that it is not entirely your fault that I am over weight, and struggling to lose my pregnancy weight gain.  So, all those times I called you a stupid lazy geriatric motherfucker piece of worthless shit, were wrong.  Apparently it is entirely my fault, not yours. Whatever! I take the mean things back.

I. Am. Sorry.

In case you are wondering, here is what the Mayo Clinic told me about why it’s my fault, and not yours, that I have a ga-donk-a-donk butt:

It may be tempting to blame your metabolism for weight gain. But because metabolism is a natural process, your body generally balances it to meet your individual needs. That's why if you try so-called starvation diets, your body compensates by slowing down these bodily processes and conserving calories for survival. Only in rare cases do you get excessive weight gain from a medical problem that slows metabolism, such as Cushing's syndrome or having an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism).

Unfortunately, weight gain is most commonly the result of eating more calories than you burn. To lose weight, then, you need to create an energy deficit by eating fewer calories, increasing the number of calories you burn through physical activity, or both.” 
So…

Congrat-u-freaking-lations, it looks like you are off the hook and I am on the treadmill.  Which is total shit!



I just don’t understand what has happened!  I know you remember how in our twenties we were a team! If a gained a few extra pounds, I would limit the Heinekens and up the cigarettes and coffee for a few days to get back to the size four jeans. I would call that starvation, but it worked! I know giving up the smokes may have something to do with this, but it was totally worth it, those things were just gross.  I’ll take the ga-donk ass, and a healthy pregnancy over them any day.


I digress…

I see now that you slowing down has nothing to do with age, but come on dude, lets work together! Yes, the baby was slowing us down at first, but now that he is a man-child toddler, he too is ready for more walks and activity. This basically means, it's time to get moving, get a routine going.  I need you more than ever right now.  I have cut back on the cupcakes and carbs, now I need you to light a fire under your ass when we go for a walk. I will make it easier on you; I will try to walk faster so you can burn faster.


The summer is in full swing, lets get this partnership rocking before winter and the shit excuses start falling out of the sky with the snow.  



I am going to Man-up bitch so you better too! Seriously. I cannot do this without you!




Love, (for now)

April



P.s. Please help me keep in mind that...


















PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE VOTE!  I bet it will burn a calorie!!!
If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers


P.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!  I love you!!!! xx

April is an award-winning writer, blogger and proud debut novelist - The Devlyn Disguise. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more about April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

12 comments:

Shay Grant said...

Go you!! I would join you, but my flow chart regarding I Don't Want To Run Today goes "do you want a rockin' sexy body? Not bad enough to get off the couch. Do you want a hot ass? Not bad enough to get off the couch" and so forth.

April FirstTimeMom said...

We shall see... FTD is in super weight loss mode. He is dieting and exercising like he is in the Iron Man competition! I can't let him get fit without me! Oh, and I suppose getting healthy is important too...

Alissa said...

I'll be with you on the weightloss journey (battle) in 21 short days!! Looking forward to getting my body back and not feeling like shamu all the time. Andy has been warned... because I am taking him with me on the weightloss adventure. Although he's starting doing weird things... like WANTING to do yardwork and shovel rock, or go for a run... weird. Oh yeah... and all he has to do is cut out drinking beers during the week and he drops like 5 pounds immediately.

Jessika Kazaros said...

LOL. very nice ;) and yes- I've lectured more than one person about trying to skip meals or reduce calories too much. So enjoy the food! Just let Ollie loose in a big park and run after him- that should help ;)

April FirstTimeMom said...

OMG! FTD stops drinking Pepsi max, and stays on the Scotch and still loses 10 pounds in a week! I need food poisoning or Mono to do that. MEN.

April FirstTimeMom said...

We just got back from doing just that!

Jess said...

I've just started my own weight loss battle! I'm eating less, trying to eat healthier, and attempting to exercise when the baby is down for her naps. It SUCKS BALLS! But I'm tired of looking like this. I have an app on my phone (myfitnesspal)that actually helps me keep count of all the calories, fat, sugars etc. that I eat. I love it. So far I'm down 2 pounds. It's not much, but it's enough to make me want to keep doing it! Good luck April!! You can do it!!

Kristy J said...

Go you for making the decision to get the weight off!! You're going to do awesome!!!
Be careful with the cardio, there's TON of studies out there right now saying that just cardio is not the greatest way to get weight off. Look more into HIIT(Hight Intensity Interval Training) activites or work out groups, they are better for you and your body and they take WAY less time.

Molley Mills said...

Ok you've inspired me.. I've been a slack arse lately. Thanks for that. I love you. I hate you.
Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up :)

Shay Grant said...

Ooh yeah - and tinny bloody men seem to lose weight just by looking sideways at a diet soda!!
And yeah, people say the 'healthy' thing is important... at least I think that's what they say, hard to hear over the fatty ass chips I'm crunching on :-P (as I sit here and moan about my fat butt lol!)

sentwivlove said...

Its bloody hard isn't it. I got a stone to lose in 6 weeks. So far, in 4 days, I lost a big fat zero! Lol. Love Lynne xxx

Holly McDonald said...

you can do it! Thank you for spreading JOY and sharing at the Oh What a HAPPY Day party.

Holly at Not Done Growing

The Archives

Follow by Email

Looking For Something?