5/6/13

I went toe-to-toe with a pile of pregnant women and survived!

As most of you know, over this past weekend I delivered a speech on, "preparing for pregnancy." I thought I would share the experience with you...

I walked into the venue and hour early to find about 15-20 vendor tables and what looked like about 50 attendees.  Most of which were very pregnant women, I'd say the majority looking like they were 30+ weeks along.  I started to get a little nervous because I had prepared a speech about, planning for pregnancy and what to expect per the event coordinators request... these women already knew what to expect when they were expecting! 

I quickly found the event coordinator and was shown to the auditorium where I was going to be speaking  After a sound check she left me and my girlfriend to relax before the speech began. (We had just driven 2+ hours and needed some time to unwind.)  The room was set up with about 100-150 chairs. Each chair had a flyer placed on the seat cushion advertising the next big play being put on in that auditorium.  Ironically the play was called 'Menopause!"  Seriously I can't make that shit up!  

If only I looked like her when I was pregnant...
If only my waist looked like that now!

About 15 minutes before the speech was to begin the event coordinator came back to let me know they were running a little behind since 'quite a few of people had just shown up and they were getting them registered.' I told her no worries we were flexible and could start when ever.  At about 11:30 the doors opened and the people began to trickle in... then somehow within 5 minutes nearly all of the seats were filled up...  By the time I was told we were going to get started it was standing room only. (Actually the front two rows had a couple of empty seats.)  And not just standing room only of Pregs... the pregs had their moms, husbands and some had their kids too!   

As I looked out I admit, I panicked a little.  I was about to go on stage with a speech where I go into to the intimate details of pregnancy with men and children in the room!  SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!  You all know me... this was dangerous!  Still, when the lady introduced me and then pointed at me, I went on stage...

I always begin by getting the crowd involved with questions, and in this case it was things like what trimester are you in, and is this your first child.... You all, most of these women were either late in the second or in their third trimester like I had suspected!  As I began to speak about morning sickness and first trimester fatigue I could see the early signs of this crowd was not impressed.  I began to panic and decided to try to tailor my speech to the majority of women in front of me.  I began to go off script... very scary territory.

I talked and gave tips and advice on some of the crazy pregnancy symptoms, and then when I got to the part about potty humor, I couldn't go through with talking about constipation and hemorrhoids with the children an men staring at me! I choked.  But, by this point, I had also realized that I was not funny, my speech was not funny and most were not impressed.  I forgot one incredibly crucial thing about the group I was speaking to.  They were all hormonal pregnant women living these things... for those of you who read Tired of being Pregnant, you now that I didn’t think that shit was funny either when it was happening to me!  Not crapping for a week straight was not at all funny... until now, and well, even now it's still stings a little.  

So here I am half way through my speech, I am not funny, and there is this one girl in the crowd giving me the dirtiest look I have ever had in my whole life!  Seriously you all I will NEVER forget her face.  EVER!  I admit, for the first time in my life I wanted to run off of the stage.  I wanted to dig a hole and hide from these unimpressed women. 

But I couldn't.  I was there to do a job.


I decided to put my whole speech aside and said, Look, I am a mother, I have been through what you are going through, I have walked a mile in your swollen shoes.  I tried to just come down to earth with them.  Tell them that pregnancy sucks for some and that’s OK.  That the first few weeks of parenting sucks and that's OK.   Being forced to have a C-section sucks, but that's OK! Not being able to breastfeed sucks, but that's OK.   I told them to shower, eat and put on clean clothes everyday those first few weeks after delivering.  I also told them to Do What You Gotta Do to get through.  Not to listen to all of the crazy advice, trust your instinct, and above all, LOVE YOUR BABY.  I also said not to ever ever ever ask Dr. Google for help.  they needed to just call the doctor or a friend. Damn that Doctor Google and Google Images for freaking me out during my pregnancy!

Then I said thanks any questions and got the hell off the stage before that mean girl figured out how to make her looks kill.  OK, yes, there were spots of laughter and smiles, but not near as much as I hoped for.  I think I can honestly say I know what it feels like to be a stand-up comic facing a stone face crowd!

Luckily I had great feedback and praise from the event organizers.  My frined said it was amazing too, but she is my bestie, she loves me.  I was told that if they have another event I would be a good fit for they wanted to have me back. 


Still, in my opinion... NO, it was not one of my finest speaking moments.  And how in the hell a room full of multimillion-dollar decision makers are one-hundred times easier to talk to than a room full of pregnant women I am not sure. But I can tell you this, next time, I will not let a few dirty looks deter me from delivering a great speech! 

Oh, and maybe next time I will pretend all of the attendees are you, my dear kind wonderful readers and fans, because talking to you is not only easy, it is something I look forward to every day!

For those of you who want to watch it, the event coordinator recorded most of it and will be posting it on YouTube.  I will put a link on our First Time Mom & Dad Facebook Fan Page once it is live. 



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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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