4/4/13

Keep 'em Happy...go and change a Nappy. Pay the Piper...sometimeschange a diaper! (FTD POST)

Ladies, mom's, mummy's, wives, grandmas, surrogates, girlfriends, nanny's, sisters and anyone else who has HAD, wants or IS capable of having a baby...DON'T READ THIS FOLLOWING POST!!! It's about SPORT, garages, fixing cupboards...buying big-screen TV's, barbecuing and changing a washer in the sink.  NOTHING TO SEE HERE! - return to your embroidery!

Howdy proud papa's and dads from around the webanets! First Time Dad here with another death-defying blog post to keep you informed, amused and up to date with the latest awesome papa-parenting techniques!


So...Your newborn baby or toddler is getting older; the "routine" is worked out, you're comfortable with traveling, strolling and being alone with bubs huh?  You know how to change a diaper, do a bath, feed and put the nugget to sleep - You're an expert!  Congrats!

Like me then, you've probably spent considerable time working out how to do the very LEAST amount of the boring stuff as possible.  Just because you CAN do something well doesn't mean you HAVE to right?  You wanna have a bit of playtime, a cuddle or two, sing the occasional nursery rhyme and hand him/her over to mom for the boring stuff. Agreed?



I mean...historically it really IS the realm of the ladies to deal with most of this baby stuff yes? Thousands (if not millions) of years of genetic maternal expertise in the fields of arse cleansing, spew wiping, titty feeding and rock-a-bye-babying and now WE'RE expected to take half the load. It's political correctness gone mad!

Anyways, gone are the good ole days where Daddy had a prepared breakfast, went to work, came home, read the paper, had a 3 course meal, watched the TV and went to bed.  Now we have to "help out" the wife too! Crazy! Don't even TRY to bring this subject up though...you're NOT gonna win this fight because:
1) Men invented bras
2) We swear better and
3) Men can drink more alcohol.
So the trick is to pick your battles and, my friends, THIS is what you do to win the WAR!

Change a nappy/diaper every now and then - Obviously NOT one of those vile diarrhea ones, just a piss one if you can time it right!  The trick is to loudly exclaim how MUCH piss n poop was in it and make a big fuss.  Bang the diaper genie about a bit, spray air freshener all over the walls and hand a clean bubs back to mamma with a cheesey grin on ya face! Most Important - DO IT BEFORE THE WIFE ASKS YOU TO. This is integral! ONE unannounced diaper change is equal to FIVE Mom-forced shit-cleanings!  Handy tip -If the diaper is light, simply wrap it about another dirty one or fill it with pennies and leave it out for the wife to find...she'll be impressed that you cleaned up such a crazy amount of crap!
LAZY DAD DIFFICULTY LVL: EASY

Plan to have your mother, mother-in-law, sister, friend - ANYBODY come over for a few hours to "spend some quality time" with the Lil poop-factory.  DON'T TELL THE WIFE! Then lovingly insist that she take a few hours off to get her nails done or possibly buy a lovely piece of fabric from a haberdashery shop (whatever) because she's "doing such a wonderful job" or "honey, you need some YOU time" etc etc. Woooo Hoooo! - See the wife off, wait for the guest, hand the bubs off and retire to the man-cave for some battlefield 3 action or why not shine your ass on a bar stool at the local pub and catch up on some neighborhood gossip about Mr Jones down the street who wears his wife's dresses on the weekend.  Just make sure you get rid of the babysitter before the wife comes back!  MEGA BROWNIE POINTS!
LAZY DAD DIFFICULTY LVL: MEDIUM

Need some quality Facebook, sport or game time on the computer without being interrupted?  Easy! Just explain to the wife that you really wanna make some new printed photos for the album 'cause the baby is growing so fast and the digital camera is FULL of pics. Estimate to her a few hours or so and point out that you really need quiet time to concentrate and edit/upload the best ones to your local Walgreen's, pharmacy or photo place via the Interwebs. Have your fun on facebooks, hulu, netflix - whatever, relaxing baby-free! When you're done, proudly announce that they'll be ready for pickup in 12 hours.  Make sure that you squint your eyes lots and suggest that you have a headache because of all the computer-staring and internet thinking etc etc. Next day, simply pop down to any photo place on the way home from work, jam the camera's SD card in the machine and hit PRINT ALL. 10 minutes later pay the $5 bucks then sit in the car and throw away the shitty ones.  On return home you'll be treated like a Techno-God  For EXTRA credits, rummage about the shops clearance section for a crappy photo album to put them in.
LAZY DAD DIFFICULTY LVL: EASY


Wife in a shitty mood again? Is she ready to go into meltdown?  Calm her down by offering to do a few chores about the house while she takes a mamma-nap.  Look under the bed for an old magazine that she bought when she was pregnant (she'll have forgot that she read it), make her a nice herbal tea, send her off to the bedroom with them and shut the door - WHewww!  Now set that baby carrier up ON the coffee-table at head height with the the TV and watch your bubbas eyes light up when Grand Theft Auto 4 starts loading on the PS3. Then just sit your arse down and start playing! Time the  especially loud car crashes and explosions with a quick flick of the vacuum cleaner that you have conveniently next to you. BARGAIN!  When she mentions later that the floors still look crappy, just shrug the shoulders and innocently respond with "I tried my best...I'm just not as good at it as you honey". AWESOME! 
LAZY DAD DIFFICULTY LVL: TRICKY

Fathers of the world...I hope that you can use these offered tips to bring back some equality and stability to the partnership that is 21st century 'parenthood'.  Take back the "lazy Saturday", fiercely FIGHT for the right to sleep in and do it with a clear conscience!   WOOO HOOO!!!

FTD OUT!

Disclaimer: The author has in NO way attempted or achieved ANY of the above suggestions and would NEVER suggest trickery, falsehood or deceit when dealing with a "new mother" or especially FTM unless he was prepared to take a mighty kick to the knackers.  This is for entertainment purposes only (sadly) and would never work on her...

not even the vacuum one...

If I say I'm doing the vacuuming honey, I'm really doing it! 
.
I promise...

Ollie and I are NOT playing GTA4...I'm vacuuming.
.
Crap...No more GTA4!




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In addition to being the founder of First Time Mom and Dad, April is an award-winning published writer. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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