4/18/13

Farts and Firetrucks. What's at the center of your universe?

My life now revolves around Farts and Firetrucks...

Poop and Police Cars...

Potty humor and Hot Wheels...

 Don't get me wrong, this is not a complaint, merely an observation...


As my long time readers already know, I wanted a life full of farts and firetrucks, over princesses and ponies. Hell NO I don't want to deal with the crazy-ass girl hormones that plagued me growing up all over again! Hell NO I don't want to relive the teen drama that is inevitable with a teen girl. No way do I want to deal with my daughter's repeated heartbreak. Forgive me, but in the words of my brother, "I want to only worry about one penis, not all of the rest."

Now that I'm 3-years into being the mother of a boy, I realize my ideas were a little off. 

For starters, I thought girls needed way more shit compared to boys; what with the hair things, dresses, tights, shoes, tiaras, dolls, and doll accessories THAT HAVE TO ALL MATCH.  I had it in my mind that all my son would need was a pair of shorts, flip-flops and an occasional hot wheel.

I. Was. So. Wrong.

While it's true, Ollie only owns two pairs of shoes and a few shorts and shirt combos, no bows or tiaras, they all have animals, super heroes or cars on them. And the colors... orange, blue, tan, brown, red... I suppose I miss the pretty colors girls get to wear. I walk through the stores and fall in love with the girl clothes, and then get bored in the boy section.


Dinosaurs and Star Wars. Yep. That about sums up his closet.


Then there are the toys.  My kid has so many freaking cars, firetrucks, and boy toys. Needless to say, FTD is in hog heaven with the toys and Star Wars everything.

This is his toy box, firetrucks, dinosaurs, helicopters, dump trucks...
The only real issue I see with having a boy, that I never really considered, is the insane potty humor that has become normal conversation.

Every time Ollie farts, FTD cheers and tells him on a scale of 1-10 how awesome the fart was, and how proud he is of him.

Between FTD and Ollie, poop talk is the main topic of conversation.

It's so bad, EVERYDAY the Poo Poo Man calls... Yes, the Poo Poo man.  I didn't know he existed either.  It goes down like this... FTD picks up Ollie's toy phone and has this conversation...

FTD: Hello?  Hello?  Oh Hi Poo Poo Man.  Yes...Yes I do plan to pay you a visit today.  I had a curry last night so it is going to be big.  Yes, yes, I expect it to make your nose bleed.  Ok, I'll see you soon then....

Then he hands the phone to Ollie and tells him it's the Poo Poo Man, and then Ollie takes it and acts like he is talking to him too.

Need I remind you of our trip to the hardware store?


It's so hard because I do love potty humor.
I try to set an example, but it goes to shit when I am laughing too!
Now, the other thing is that I have four nephews, three of which are older than Ollie and are so obsessed with potty humor and their fire hoses it's not right.  One of my nephews loves to pee outside, the other loves to tell jokes that revolve around farts and poops and the third one follows along and tries to add his potty bit when he can.  I realize now being the mother of a boy my life is not going to be as easy as I thought.  There are a whole other set of issues.  Shit.  Literally.

Oh, well... I guess it could always be worse... this could be my kid...


I'll happily take my boys, their farts and firetrucks.




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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. In addition to being the founder of First Time Mom and Dad, April is an award-winning published writer. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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