12/26/12

Tips for expecting dads: How to survive pregnancy

(FTD and I wrote this together and had the best time with it.  I laughed so hard!  I hope you enjoy too. Of course this is all meant to be a joke...kind of... >..<)


Dear Expecting Dad,

Is your wife/girlfriend pregnant and loves you one minute, and then hates you the next? Are you cuddling in bed after giving her the best foot massage of her life, and then somehow waking up with the indention of a couch cushion on your cheek? Are you having a normal calm conversation and then all of the sudden being screamed at while things are flying at your head? Are you answering to “asshole” because you have not heard “honey” in months? Are practical jokes not going over well in your home anymore? If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, believe it or not, there is some good news, you are not alone…there is an expectant father going to sleep on the couch right now somewhere in the world. Bad news, in order to restore peace and harmony to your world, start smiling and nodding no matter how crazy she sounds!!

Below is a “Pregnancy Do’s and Don’ts” list for daddies.


Do’s
  1. Get up off your ass and help her clean the house and do the laundry.
  2. Smile and Nod- if you don’t agree don’t tell her, or she will tell you where to shove it and sleep.
  3. When she says… “Oh, MMMmmmmm I feel like a…” get up and go get it. Even if it is in the next state.
  4. Only speak when spoken to. Seriously, it’s so much easier to stay quiet then be yelled at… Right?
  5. HAVE PATIENCE!! I mean, tolerate anything and everything your woman throws at you… even if it is the remote control.
  6. Give compliments and always tell her this, “No really you look great… Honey, you ARE NOT FAT, you are pregnant and gorgeous… “Please don’t cry, I will take you out and buy you a new outfit. I love you…”
  7. Be as loving and understanding as humanly possible… or suffer the wrath… I know you know what I am talking about.
  8. COMPASSION is your friend. COMPLAINING is not!
  9. Being understanding and agreeable is your only hope for survival. If she is mad at her sister, so are you. If she is mad at the dog, so are you. If she is mad at you, so are you!
  10. Do know this irrational crazed screaming and crying, Jekyll and Hyde mentality will end, promise.

Don’t

  1. When she bends over, I know it may be hard to pass up the opportunity, but what ever you do, don’t make farting noises, even in your head!
  2. When she sits down on the couch, DO NOT jump up yelling WHOA… like she has shot you up in the air with her big pregnant butt.
  3. DO NOT under any circumstance go into the bathroom to build a log cabin without asking her if she needs to go first… FTD insists, “Nothing will suck a turd back up the ass, and cause the knees to tremble more than the sound of pounding at the door by a pregnant woman screaming she has to pee.”
  4. Don’t disagree with her… EVER. NEVER EVER NEVER! EVER… she is ALWAYS right and you and everyone else is wrong… Smile and nod.
  5. DO NOT Eat or drink anything in the kitchen that she may want, and if you eat the last of anything, especially the ice cream, write out your Last Will and      Testament, because your days are numbered.
  6. While Holiday shopping at the mall, don’t even consider the sideways glance at the big-breasted chick walking towards you. We are growing the mommy eyes in the back of our head, and have our pervert detector on high alert. If you try it, do not expect sympathy later when you are trying to get the shopping bag out of your ass and the shoe out of your mouth.
  7. Forget about even turning on the Xbox, Playstation or Wii in her presence, or      expect the new doormat to be your games and whatever is left of the gaming machine after she is done with it. *As a side note: Don’t even think about going out for a midnight release of the next hottest game… unless of course you are prepared to come home to changed locks or at the very least the couch made up for another night.
  8. If your wife recommends a quiet night in watching the worst chick flick you could possibly imagine… nod and smile or watch it anyway through two black eyes.
  9. When eating out, do not order what you want off the menu, consult her first to make sure you are ordering exactly what she wants you to order… otherwise you will have a very lonely meal, followed by another night on the couch.
  10. DON’T take her pregnancy hormones personally, unless of course you deserve it. Remember we tend to hurt the ones we love the most…
All joking aside, I know this is a difficult and scary time for you as well, especially for a first-timer. Please understand, you have the capacity to think clearly and calmly through these emotions, for the most part we do not. The bottom line is that if you truly want peace and harmony restored to your home, you really are going to have to suck it up and deal with our crazy emotions and do your very best to console us, fighting back will NEVER work. Just remember it is impossible to rationalize with the irrational. I promise, you will have your perfect, beautiful, sweet lady back soon… Congratulations, Daddy, the best is yet to come...





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