12/1/12

Momma's Concessions.

I am sitting here having my first cup of fully leaded coffee in nearly 10-months.  It is so good I am about to drop a tear. Since I am still nursing Ollie, I try to keep my caffeine consumption down to a minimum.  Trust me, my baby is the happiest most well behaved baby I know, until he gets sugar or caffeine in his system.  One drop of either and the boy goes bat shit crazy, smashes everything in his path, cries about and then NEVER EVER passes out... So yeah needless to say, I drink decaf every morning as a way to trick my coffee loving mind into thinking we still have a good thing going.

So then, why am I drinking the regular coffee?  Because I have four articles with deadlines coming up in the next 24-48 hours, and need some help. I am about to pass out, cannot hold a thought and see this beautiful cup of yum yum as my only answer. Ollie will be asleep for the next 6-8 hours, so hopefully I can get away with this.  Yes, I am fully aware of Murphy's law.  I am also fully aware that I am procrastinating my ass off by writing this blog post instead of the articles.  Really, I am just waiting for the coffee to kick in (procrastinating).

So Momma's concessions...



As I sit here drinking this incredibly good cup of coffee, I am thinking of all of the concessions, or things I have given up or lost since becoming a mother.  I have decided that I am definitely a martyr of the first order.  Ollie better appreciate it too.  Here is why...

My top 10 concessions since becoming a mommy.

1. I am a hot ass mess!  Hot. Ass. Mess.  I have only had ONE mani/pedi and hair cut  since Ollie was born... He is nearly 10-months-old and all three happened just after he was born.  Lady Godiva called and offered her horse as transportation to the salon.

2. My concern for society's opinion of me is non-existent. I'm ashamed to admit this, but at least twice a week I find myself standing in a store and want to tweet,"That moment you realize you left the house before picking up a brush or looking in the mirror." If only you knew me before Ollie, you would know that I have for sure lost my damn mind!  I wish I could say this behavior will not stand...but I am a repeat offender these days.  I'm going to leave the house in sweats and a ponytail with Cheerios stuck to my ass again. Very soon.

3. My brain. It's gone. Oliver ate it. I'm fairly certain he ate it in the womb, because that is when I first notice it was gone.  And still, since having him, I remain a complete moron. It's a wonder me and kid are fed and clothed everyday.

4. My diet is atrocious!  I eat what I want, when I want, and 9 times out of ten it's what I peel off of Oliver's sleeve or butt, pick up off the floor underneath his highchair, or eat off his plate when he is finished with it. A proper sit down meal is but a memory these days.

5. My figure. Can I even call it that since my body doesn't resemble any know earthly figure? My curves have curves. My cellulite has cellulite.

6.  I am aging like I live in a time machine that only goes in fast forward. Seriously fast forward. I am gaining wrinkles and grey hairs daily. Bogged down with ridiculous worries, unnecessary fears, achy bones and a sore back. And my filthy foul mouth, it is becoming more and more church worthy everyday. I am only 34! But my mind and appearance look 64. WTF?!

7. My marriage.  Gone are the days of couch cuddles, great sex and late nights on the town.  Last night he farted and I burped, neither bothered to excuse themselves. I looked at him and said, "Is this it?" "Is this how married couples with children act?" We can no longer be grossed out by each other, nor bother with politeness?  I say HELL NO!  I actually said that.  We both agreed.  After a lengthy conversation, we agreed to try to be newlyweds again... Yeah, I'll let you know how that works out.

8. My Friendships. Just like my marriage, I have stopped working at friendships too.  I am such a looser! This is going to stop as well.  I have a lunch date tomorrow. And thank God I have YOU! Otherwise my conversations would be predominately with myself and Oliver.

9.  Order.  I have no order in my life.  I used to.  I used to be very orderly.  Now I am Queen O' Disorderly Castle.  Gone are the days of a spotless house, organized calendar and grand ideas of future plans.  I am down to living minute-to-minute and pushing toys out of my path. Oh and my calender reads like a spinster's. I am awesome!

And my top Concession since becoming a mommy...

10 Peace and quiet!  It seems like everyone wants a piece of me 24/7.  When Ollie is not crying for something, FTD is.  When FTD and Ollie leave me alone, the cats jumps in for some action.  What is that?  Is this it?   Is my life officially going to be chaotic for the next 18 years at least?  Will they ever leave me alone?  I have seen those refrigerator magnets that say, "Motherhood. The only job that is 24/7." Before Ollie I would see it, laugh and move on. Now when I see it, I cry, and think, damn... no shit.


I have heard enough times from veteran moms these concessions are just a part of motherhood. But what I really want to know is, when will I stop being a disorderly mindless sex starved friendless hot mess tool that eats food off the ground?







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