10/3/12

SAHM or 9-5er... Both suck.

Lately I have been worn out, stressed out, confused and overwhelmed, not too much unlike my first few weeks of being a mom.  FTD has gone to work full-time leaving me to be a proper Stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). Never in my life did I think I would say that. Of course I used to dream of being the SAHM who has heaps of money, drives around in a Land Rover, rocking a huge diamond  and spending my days lunching and shopping while my baby was in daycare. That was my idea of the perfect SAHM. My friends, I am not that SAHM.

I love so much being home with Ollie.  I love being around for everyone of his milestones, and always knowing where he is and how he is doing.  However, I am just not sure I am really cut out to be a good SAHM.  I get so frustrated when he won't stop fussing. I am sick of peeling his death grip off of the things he should not be touching.  I hate picking him up and turning him around every few feet because we live in such a small place.  He needs more space and stimulation.

I don't have a clue how to properly stimulate my baby. I feel like I am wasting both of our lives.  Well, I mean I should be at a proper job making enough money to provide all of the material things my son needs. Ollie should be in a day care with professionals that can teach him colors and numbers. Some days I feel like I am in WAY over my head.

All that being said, I feel an actual pain in my heart thinking about going back to work and being away from my son.  The flip side to being a SAHM is being a 8-5 working mom. Which really means, out the door to drop Ollie off at daycare by 7:30am and home from work and picking Ollie up by 6:30pm. With Oliver's current routine, that leaves me with an hour tops to play with my baby before he eats and goes to sleep.  That is just not enough time to spend with my son everyday. I feel for the moms and dads currently living on that schedule.

Where is the happy medium? I know I not only need to get back to work ASAP, I will do it sooner or later regardless of my SAHM mom feelings.  I just wish I could stop being so selfish and learn to fully appreciate every minute I have being home with my little guy.  Unfortunately, it's hard for me to fully appreciate the constant go-go-go of chasing a crawling baby. Or when I finally get Oliver to take a nap it only lasts 30-minutes, I can barely eat lunch and look for jobs.  I find myself chasing and doing my best to keep up with Oliver all day, then looking for jobs, sending Queries and writing my blog at night. I hate it! Why can't I get more done in a day?  Why is my son consuming every free minute?  How in the hell do SAHMs do it and not loose their minds?  I've fully lost the plot!

I am a proper SAHM, and have NO time for myself, and I am not sure how.  For all of those people out there (Working Moms/Dads) who think SAHM/Ds have it easy, you are so far off!  I'll tell you why the house is not clean, dinner is not made and the laundry is not washed and folded, because there is absolutely no freaking time.  And if for some reason your house is clean, dinner is made, and your shirts are pressed, kiss your woman/man because she/he is a super hero with patience that should be studied!

I wish I could be better at being a SAHM. I wish I could structure our days to make for increased learning, fun time and even some ME time. But I'll tell you right now, that shit is not going to happen, because Oliver is growing and developing so quickly his need change daily. I don't know if being a SAHM just gets easier on it's own or not.  I have a SAHM girlfriend of 4 who tells me her favorite color is 'school bus yellow.'  I get it, Cat, I totally get it.

If you had your choice, would you be a SAHM or would you run like hell to your 9-5 not looking back?




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