10/25/12

I'm going to smash every toy in this house!

I'm turning into Mommy Dearest, except I'm not screaming, "No Wire Hangers!"  I'm screaming, "Turn that damn toy off before I smash it!"  Oliver is only 9-months-old and I'm already loosing my mind from crazy flashing light talking baby toys! Those things are possessed. In fact, I am certain a couple of those evil things will work without batteries.

We have one toy that I have removed the batteries from and shoved it in the closet.  I know I sound like a mean mommy, but this one toy in particular would go off ALL DAY LONG, all I had to do was walk by... sometimes the possessed pile of plastic would yell out to me from the toy box.  What's worse is the song is still stuck in my head.  And what's even worse than that, the song that is stuck in my head is not even the right words!  Not that the damn toy says the right words....

This toy here....








....sings... Short short short your shapes, circles stripes and squares.... That cannot possibly be the words that are meant to be sung!  But I swear to you that's what the evil little lady bug? turtle? thing... says.  Oh my goodness I hate that toy!!

While I do not want to smash any other toys as much as I do that one, there are a couple in the nursery that seem to jump out and bite my ankles when I am trying to sneak out.  Sure enough my first step away from the crib and Bang! "Come play with me... la dee da da da.."  SHIT! I reach down to turn it off and knock into his little police car..."neee noooo neeee noooo neeee nooo....."  Damn! By this point Ollie is up ready to play... Tears in my eyes, I turn off the freaking toys, which we all know it takes a minute or two to find the tiny switch. I hate those toys!!

You know... Ollie would be happy with a cardboard box, why do I insist on buying him the latest and greatest flashing toy? Because we all know why... to see the little guy smile, or  because I buy into the promise that it will make him smarter, talk sooner, walk faster... Because I am a sucker that wants to spend money I don't have to make my baby happy and more awesome than he already is.

As much as I want to blame the toy manufacturers for creating 15 versions of the same type of toy, it's my fault for buying them.  My fault for not turning them off.  My fault for not buying just one flashy singy annoying piece of plastic with a face.  Damn I hate those toys. Will I stop buying them? No. Will I smash the shit out of a couple of them in a deserted field with a baseball bat when Ollie grows out of them, HELL YES! The rest I will pass on to another unsuspecting mother.


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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. In addition to being the founder of First Time Mom and Dad, April is an award-winning published writer. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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