4/30/12

Shit Wars


A long shit time ago, In a shit galaxy far far away...

Shit Wars


The Phantom Menacing baby SHitS 

G’day Ladies, Gents and Shit fans.  First Time Dad here for your daily baby enlightenments!

If you haven't guessed it yet, today’s post is about SHIT!  Baby shit that is! Black gold, texas tea etc etc.  Three months in and I've experienced all kinds of shit.  Sad shit, happy shit, runny, wet, dry, crunchy, stringy, green, black, orange, nutty, odourless and stinky shit!

SHit (as we all know) can be funny or sometimes gruesome but I was never prepared for the vast amounts of time that I've recently spent with shit.  In light of this magnificent understanding, today I've decided to share with you all my ratings of shit - The good and the bad, the happy and the sad. As a 21st century DAD, Which shits should you deal with and which should you pass on to Mum? READ ON GENTS!!!

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1.   The black-tar 1st shits        **  BAD  ** Sticky and thick, attaches easily to the wipers' skin. Hard on the eyes and disturbing...hand over to mamma!

2.   The green sloppy shit        **  OK   ** AKA "Green apple Splatters".  Mildly interesting, easily wiped. Pretend that you're cleaning up pickles.

3.   The Seedy orangey Shit        **  OK   ** Where the HELL do the seeds come from? Very interesting to inspect!, extra wiping required - Medium Level Shit

4.   The DIAHORREA             **  BAD  ** A Sinister shit - can be many coloured and offensive to the palette.  Do NOT attempt! requires a woman's touch! PASS!

5.   The DRY Shit            **  OK   ** STicks HARD to the buttock, requires many wet-wipes. You almost wanna get some 80 grit sand-paper on it - Medium

6.   The Nugget            **  OK   ** Like a few marbles rolling about in your pocket.  No Big deal! If you're skilled you can re-use the diaper! Easy!

7.   The Chocolate Runway        **  BAD  ** Right up the back of the crack and over the top of the diaper! BAD NEWS ! Take one look for research and Pass to Mum!

8.   The Nose Bleeder        **  BAD  ** A reeking stench of rotting flesh, a tramps pants and a Thailand public toilet in one! Call the Mother-in-law ASAP!

9.   The Garden HOSE            ** WORST ** The jet of hot steamy shit spraying all over the change table, your hands, the wall, stuffed toys and your clean shirt.

10.  The Phantom Shit        **  OK   ** Squirmy, noisy, squeltchy, bubbling FART that (when the diaper is removed) never faecally materializes. A ghost shit!

11.  The Depth Charge        **  BAD     ** Any of the above BUT done in the toddler bath! The ironic mix of soap and shit is a new dad's worst nightmare!

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Of course, there are many more variants, colours, styles and tastes but these are the more exciting and memorable moments of the past 90 or so days.  If you've had an awesome shit tale why not comment below and share it with the other readers.  I'll see you all for some awesome shit blog-interwebs soon!

Au Revoir shit-fans!

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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